What Does It Mean to Fail?

Let's just say that I was once a dreamer with broken wishes -or broken spirit. Let me ask: what does it mean to fail?

I was always conviced that failure happens when you give up. But I guess I wasn't strong enough to face my disappointment when I cannot get 'something'. I have kept trying yet none was fruitful. Then it hit me hard, you are just some loser and poof! My spirit for pursuing my dreams disappeared.

Trying to Pursue Lost Dream

It has been a while since I write a post. And I somehow felt my English has become rusty ever since I entered college. Maybe that was because I had no chance to practice it so frequently like I did in middle school and high school. 

Anyway, this time I just want to write down about my lost dream. For me, writing is like an outlet of my feelings and thoughts. That way I could settle down my anxiety or whatever feeling I had hehehe. Even though it's been a long time since my last post here, I've been writing for myself in a particular diary. I felt like closing my self to people nowadays, that's why I've been writing only for myself.

Enough of the chit-chat, now to the main topic of this post ^ ^ ;

As I am now, I stand in the end of my fourth semester in college. My exams were finally over and it is time for the results to be out. Phew, I'm not very confident about my results this semester. As for my study plan, I had planned to finish my bachelor degree in 3.5 years. I had taken more credits than it supposed to be before. But now I am kind of puzzled with what should I do from this point. If everything proceeds accordingly, I would be able to get my degree in 1.5 years. But after that? What would I do? Finding a job? To be honest, I have already thought of the possibility of getting married early and settle down. But then I came across my old and lost dream: pursuing higher education in Japan, precisely Tokyo Daigaku.

I once was so dazzled by people who went faraway to foreign land to pursue another education. I was so dazzled that I dreamed to be just like them. In the past, I even put some effort to study abroad. First, I failed the written examination for NTU. Second, I passed the written test of Monbukagakusho 2014 but failed the interview. I was broken, really really heartbroken. After all, my biggest dream is to study in Japan and I missed the opportunity by an inch (well, exaggerating ehehehe).

After being heartbroken, I kinda regretted my choice of enrolling at my current university. If I had known I would not be accepted in Monbu, I would have chosen to fight a fierce battle to enroll at another technical university outside my hometown. But after some time passed, I realized if I had chosen that, I would never be able to taste the fight of Monbukagakusho. I would never have such rare opportunity. And now I am grateful that I had such experience. Maybe that experience would benefit me when I try to enter the same yet different battle. Monbukagakusho 2018, Master and Doctoral Program!

In this point, I am going to pursue my lost dream once again... I better start making some preparations though I'm not really confident with what would happen in the future.

GOOD DAY

Soooo... My Name is Anggada Sakti and.....umm.... because Laras letting me use her blog so....

 i would like to post something here...and i just want to tell ...

i Love Her soo much :3

and....

i will always...

love her....

forever....

okay that's all and thank you :D

and see you one the next one!!! Stay Awesome Bros *insert Brofist Here*

...........
...................__
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
BROFIST ...........

P.S : I hope she will not delete this :p and i believe her, because... she loves me too xD

Tipe Kepribadian

Hehe, sebenernya sudah pernah juga ikutan tes di www.ipersonic.com. Ini tes lagi di ipersonic.Tapi ternyata hasilnya sama hahaha. Inilah tipeku: Idealis Pemimpi.

Just what am I

I'm just...

I'm not a decent person who understand others well.

I've got my hands full of understanding myself.

I've tried to understand others. 

But screw it all.

Kirai. Kirai.

Warning. Rants.

I really hate it. I really hate it when people who actually had 'business' or 'problem' with me told other people instead, not me. I mean, hey, it was our problem. Why would you tell the others, not me? It would not solve anything between us. Why would you include other people? And you included a bunch of people. Thanks, it just made me hate it even more. 

Well, I know you're that type of person who liked to tell others your stories. But that problem is not only your story, but also my story. How dare you just tell many people like that. I may look like a type of cheerful or sometimes talkative person or what, but truth is I don't really like telling people about my stories. That's why those whom I told my stories to are special. Those special people, I gave them my 'trust'. Okay, okay, got it. You just wanted to consult and release what's in your heart. But once again, it involved me, involved my story. And you just blabbered about it to them? Ha ha. Trust is broken.

The Knight's Oath

"With a sword in thy right, 

with a buckler in thy left, 

thou shalt swear thy allegiance to me till the day thou die." 

"With a sword in my right,
with a buckler in my left,
I swear my allegiance to you till the day I die."

"Thee, my knight."

I just really like it somehow hehe. Yeah... it just happened after I read Okobore Hime to Entaku no Kishi (The Leftover Princess and The Round-table Knight). It was a great manga! However it was only supposed to a promotion for the light novel *hic*, just like Shinigami Hime no Saikon. I searched for the light novels, but couldn't find the translated version. How the heaven could I read the raw version with lots of difficult kanji? I hope I could get accepted in monbu and go there for real and then I'll be able to speak nihongo so I can read many light novels, aamiin

Sorry for the random post~

Awal Monbukagakusho 2015

Sebelum cerita, aku mau mengucap syukur alhamdulillah sudah sampai tahap wawancara. Meskipun ke depannya persaingan semakin berat, semoga aku bisa melaluinya hingga beneran dapet. Aamiin...

Tick tock tick tock, mari mundur ke bulan Februari 2014.

Bulan ini nih bener-bener bulan yang bikin stress gak karuan. Kepanggil tes NTU tapi ujian praktek udah di depan mata, ujian sekolah juga tinggal menunggu beberapa minggu lagi. Masa sabtu sama minggunya tes, seninnya udah ujian praktek. Apalagi hari pertama jam pertama uprak Bahasa Indonesia, drama. Kurang greget gimana coba -_- OH IYA. Musibah Kelud juga bikin bete. Semua penerbangan dibatalin, airport ditutup, tiket kereta abis semua. Nyampe Jakarta setelah seharian di bus, rasanya campur aduk banget. Apalagi harus kuakui buat tes NTU aku sama sekali ga siap, persiapan abal-abal, bener-bener bondo nekat sama secuil ilmu dari les di Igna. Yap, seperti yang diduga. Sekitar Maret pengumuman NTU keluar dan aku ga keterima. Meskipun tau itu juga karena ulah sendiri, rasa sedih dan patah hatinya bener-bener.... parah. Tapi ya udahlah, life must go on.

Mei 2014.

Unas pun sudah kelar di bulan ini. SNMPTN juga tinggal nunggu pengumuman. Pada akhirnya nilai unas keluar, dan yah alhamdulillah nggak terlalu jelek. Lalu suatu hari beberapa temen di grup line pada ribut mau nyoba monbukagakusho. Hmm, langsung tertarik nih. Setelah ngomong papaps, aku dibolehin nyoba tapi program S1. Awalnya mikir, ajigile S1 susah amat, sulit lolos tahap selanjutnya ini ntar. Apalagi habis gagal NTU rasanya takut banget nyobain beginian. Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir dan membangun keberanian, akhirnya daftar juga dengan alasan coba dulu deh. Waktu itu syarat buat S1 nilai unas min. rata-rata 8,4. Sementara nilaiku 8,58, aduh mepet hehe.Yaweslah tatag ngirim.

Juli 2014.

Fyi, di bulan Juni cuma nungguin pengumuman seleksi berkas buat tes tulis sambil gelundungan. Masih belum feeling kepanggil tes, jadinya main-main. Baru setelah 1 Juli diumumin dan kepanggiiiiillll, langsung seneng tapi ya bingung sendiri. Cuma ada waktu seminggu buat belajar, oh nooooo /( ' o ' )\ terus tesnya aku dapet tanggal 7 Juli. Setelah itu, kembali digantungin sama kedubes jepang. Sama sekali ga dikasih tau kapan pengumuman lolos tes tulis keluar, cuma 'tunggu aja'. Hiks, sakitnya tuh... disini *nunjuk ulu hati* bahkan lebaran pun nggak tenang...

Agustus 2014.

Di bulan ini, sudah bosen liat website kedubes yang ga pernah diupdate dengan pengumuman wawancara. Udah gak tiap hari bukain webnya. Suatu hari, tepatnya tanggal 8, tiba-tiba dichat sama ko ivan yang nanyain hasil seleksi tulis. Tapi ga aku hiraukan, entah kepo tapi nggak kepo *maksudnya apasih*. Akhirnya baru malem-malem menjelang tengah malem aku buka webnya dari hape, berhubung laptop ga ada. Rasanya seneng pake bangeeeeeet. Sampe aku liatin list yang kepanggil berkali-kali, mastiin aku nggak lagi ngelindur. Sampe ga bisa tidur ehehe, tapi pada akhirnya tidur karena capek mikir *eh.

Sekarang, saat aku nulis ini.

Pusying rasanya ngurusin macem-macem dokumennya. Udah kurang lima hari lagi padahal, dokumen belum lengkap dan belum latian interview. Aku memang berharap keterima, tapi di satu sisi, ada secercah rasa pesimis ga keterima. Dari pengalaman taun-taun sebelumnya cuma keterima 5 dari 51 yang kepanggil interview, buat jalur S1. Gimana gak bikin gentar... But, I have to do my best for now so that I would not regret whatever the outcome might be.

Akhir kata, doain saya yaaaa~

Trinitro Toluena

There is...

No place to shout.

No place to let it out.

No place to cool it down.

No place to lie down.

Nowhere. 

And it starts to beat. Slowly.

But it keeps getting faster

Faster, faster, and faster

It beats like crazy

And one day the trinitro toluena will explode.

But I wonder when? Where?

Will it cause any catastrophe? 

I don't think so,

The trinitro toluena will explode silently.

Argh, so random.

H-33

H-33 untuk sesuatu yang bisa sangat menentukan masa depanmu. Ini penentuan lho un. Penentuan yang SEBENERNYA. Bukan simulasi, bukan try out. Kenapa kamu masih kaya gini. Kalo kamu masih kaya gini, santai-santai, males-malesan, dan MENUNDA-NUNDA, percaya deh sama aku kalo kamu bakal ngulangin kesalahanmu yang dulu-dulu. Kamu udah ga bisa ngandalin hoki. Percuma kalo kamu ga nguasain semuanya dan latian, latian, latian. Semua bakal dengan mudah menguap waktu Hari H. Dulu waktu penentuan dari SMP ke SMA kamu bisa kok ngelakuinnya. Sekarang kenapa nggak bisa? Nggak usah alesan deh. Daripada alesan pake tuh waktumu yang berharga buat mempersiapkan Hari H. Ini bukan soal kamu, tapi juga orang tuamu lho. Kamu nggak mau kan ngecewain mereka.

Tapi jujur aja, aku memang takut ngehadapin semua ini. Aku ngerasa dengan nunda, aku bisa santai sedikit, ngelupain tekanan. Aku tau aku salah, tapi rasanya semua ini sulit banget. Sometimes I wanna give up so bad. Mana semangatku yang kaya dulu. Kamu main-main ta sekarang? Ini lho crossroad yang kamu temui. Kamu ga bisa selamanya disini, tentuin. TENTUIN. KALO SERIUS SAMA JALAN YANG ITU YA YANG GENAH DONG.

Wish : Information Engineering and Media

With the motto "Where technology meets art", I can't help but being interested in this faculty. It seems so amazing! I wanna go there so damn bad, but it must be difficult. Someday, I'm going to study there! I'm going there! May it be 2014 or other year. Though I do consider other faculties and universities in case I couldn't get there next year. Let it be my wish that I pursue.

INFORMATION ENGINEERING AND MEDIA! 

FIGHT FOR IT!

Latihan Alam : Penyusup (Part 1)

Sebenarnya kisah yang satu ini sudah terjadi cukup lama dan draft yang ada di blog juga sudah usang. Akhirnya aku tulis ulang karena draftnya ternyata nggak banget. Jadi, post kali ini akan fokus pada... JENG JENG JENG!! LA Burst 2012! Have a nice trip reading this :)

15 November 2012. Ini misi penyusupanku yang pertama setelah aku diangkat menjadi mata-mata. Dalam misi kali ini, aku harus menyusup di sebuah acara bernama LA Burst 2012. Dari detail yang aku dapatkan dari Agen F, acara ini merupakan diklat ekstra kurikuler teater SMA Negeri 5 Surabaya atau yang lebih akrab disebut Tetris V. Tempat acara berada di camping ground dekat air terjun Cuban Rais, Malang. Diklat Tetris V ini rencananya akan berlangsung selama dua hari. Hmm... aku harus mempersiapkan alat-alatku. Aku juga harus siap untuk berpura-pura menjadi panrek  baik hati dan membaur dengan segenap panitia dan peserta acara itu. Sebenarnya misi kali ini cukup berat karena ditugasi menjadi sie acara. Tapi ya sudahlah, mari berjuang demi tujuan utama misi kali ini!

Mongseng ya paragraf di atas. Tapi tenang saja, orang gila tadi sudah aku sekap dan aku akan menulis cerita yang seben... Ehm, maafkan gangguan teknis barusan. Saya akan berusaha agar security di sini lebih profesional. Maafkan ketidaknyamanan tersebut, pembaca file rahasia terhormat. And then move, move! We've got only a couple of minutes to finish this secret file!

Proses infiltrasiku dimulai dari SMA Negeri 5 Surabaya. Aku berangkat dari sana beserta yang lainnya menggunakan truk polisi. Ternyata perjalanan ke Malang cukup lama, sekitar tiga jam atau lebih. Cukup melelahkan dan membosankan sebenarnya dalam perjalanan. Saat truk diberhentikan di depan jalan setapak yang naik dan ujungnya tak terlihat, aku kira saat itu misiku yang sebenarnya telah dimulai. Tetapi ternyata aku salah melihat jalan. Bukan lewat sana. Dan ternyata kami serombongan harus melewati jalan aspal berliku menuju camping ground yang sebenarnya karena truknya salah parkir. Apalagi aku harus membawa carrier berisi perlengkapan mata-mata milikku.

Sesampainya di base camping ground, kami serombongan istirahat sejenak soalnya capek banget. Panitia pionir yang sudah menunggu di base bilang kalau ground kami yang sebenarnya masih harus naik lagi. Lelah. Tapi anehnya aku masih bersemangat untuk menjalankan misi rahasia ini! HAHAHA *evil laugh* 

Akan kulaporkan detail acara diklat ini. Pertama-tama setelah kami sampai di camping ground dan menaruh barang-barang bawaan di tenda, ada pembukaan yang berupa kumpul-kumpul melingkar. Dalam pembukaan ini kami saling memperkenalkan diri, baik panitia maupun peserta. Setelah pembukaan, ada acara sebentar dari alumni yang aku lupa namanya. Sesudah itu, sie acara bertugas untuk menemani adeknya selagi sie konsumsi mempersiapkan makan siang. Yah apa boleh buat, karena matahari sudah berada tepat di atas kepala. Untuk mengisi waktu, kami bermain sebuah game konsentrasi yang menyebutkan nama berantai. Sial, skill-ku kurang terasah saat itu sehingga aku kena hukuman. Dan sialnya lagi hukumannya adalah nyepik! Mau apa nyepik apa gueee -_- akhirnya sepikan ga jelas pun keluar. "Kamu tau nggak sih samudra terdalam apa?" "Pasifik bukan?" "Salah, samudra terdalam adalah samudra cintaku padamu." Yah, lupakanlah sepikan tidak jelas tadi. 

Singkat cerita, setelah semua peserta telah beribadah dan makan siang, rintik-rintik hujan mulai turun. Semua manusia yang ada di sana pun mengungsi ke tenda masing-masing, kecuali beberapa anak dan anggota sie properti yang sibuk mencangkul tanah untuk membuat saluran air agar tenda-tenda kami tidak kebanjiran. Karena terlihat asik, aku pun keluar dan ikut mericuh membantu mereka. Tapi apa daya hujan semakin deras dan jas hujanku diletakkan di atas tenda untuk perlindungan ganda dari air hujan, sehingga aku tak bisa ikut hujan-hujan.

Hujan ini tak kunjung berhenti dari siang hari. Di tenda panitia perempuan, kami kekurangan kerjaan. Jadinya malah mencari-cari makanan yang dibawa anak-anak. Apalagi panitia belum sempat makan siang karena keburu hujan. Saat menemukan sebungkus bagelan misterius, tangan kami rasanya gatal untuk memakannya. Tapi kami masih belum tau punya siapa itu. Akhirnya dengan keberanian (?) Mbak Auk, bungkus bagelan dibuka dan kami menyerbunya! Lalala~ 

Di tengah hujan, acara ternyata masih dilanjutkan. Di tengah hujan, para peserta diklat terlihat sibuk berakting di tengah hujan. Dramatis, fantastis, autis. Yang paling wow menurut panitia sih aktingnya Kannida. Selain pokok akting yang dia bawakan mirip dengan kehidupan nyatanya Ken, hujan membuat teriakan dan tangisannya makin terasa nyata. Jadi seperti melihat sinetron gitu, tapi dengan kualitas lebih 'woooaaw'.


Sorenya, hujan sudah berhenti dan kami bergegas untuk mendirikan dapur yang dirobohkan agar tidak kehujanan. Waktu terpal diangkat... byuuur. Airnya membanjiri sekitar. Dan saat itu dapat kulihat bahwa buku saktiku basah kuyup! Tidaaaaak! Dan sialnya lagi, file rahasia yang ada di situ telah dibaca oleh Lina. Ini kegagalan besar bagi seorang agen sepertiku. Walaupun patah hati karena hal ini, akhirnya aku bergegas turun ke daerah perumahan penduduk untuk mandi dan sholat.

Ketika aku bergegas naik ke camping ground setelah selesai mandi, aku melihat Vicky dan Boga turun. Waktu kutanyai, ternyata mereka berniat untuk membeli kayu bakar untuk acara api unggun. Dan sialnya, Boga berhasil membuatku untuk membantunya membawa kayu bakar. Nggak masalah sih sebenernya. Aku kan perkasa hahaha. Setelah kayu bakar sudah terkumpul, akhirnya dimulailah usaha menyalakan api di kayu bakar yang masih basah akibat hujan tadi. What a desperate effort. Susah sekali untuk menyalakan apinya, sampai-sampai butuh beberapa botol bervolume 600 ml berisi bensin. Tetapi waktu sudah nyala, rasanya senang sekali. Juga hangat, yah, karena malam di daerah Malang memang dingin. Walaupun aku memakai jaket yang cukup tebal rasanya udara dingin masih dapat kurasakan. 

Dengan background api unggun, para peserta diklat yang sudah dibagi menjadi beberapa kelompok maju untuk menampilkan drama mereka. Sayang sekali waktu ini aku hanya lihat sampai penampilan semua kelompok, setelah itu aku nggak seberapa tau acara di sekeliling api unggun apa karena aku mengungsi ke dapur untuk ya, makan! Setelah kenyang dan ngobrol-ngobrol geje di dapur, akhirnya tiba saatnya untuk tracking tempat jelajah malam. Yehei! 

Tracking pun dimulai. Pertama-tama setelah kami keluar dari camping ground, yang kami lalui adalah semacam padang terbuka dengan pohon yang jarang-jarang. Langit malam yang bertabur bintang terlihat jelas di atas cakrawala. Pos pertama terletak di daerah itu. Kemudian sedikit naik lagi, di dekat rimbunan alang-alang yang cukup tinggi, ada pos kedua. Dari pos kedua, kalau berjalan lurus akan bertemu dengan jalan setapak yang bercabang menjadi dua. Kami mengambil arah ke kiri lalu berjalan ke daerah yang mulai ditumbuhi pepohonan. Sebelum memasuki daerah penuh pepohonan, kami sampai di pos bayangan, pos yang bakal dijaga oleh aku dan Itok~

Ternyata sampe sini aku sudah males ngelanjutin ceritanya. Usang banget ini cerita. Sekarang udah Mei 2013, padahal cerita ini kira-kira kejadiannya November 2012. Ya udah segitu aja dulu part 1-nya. Tapi kira-kira detailnya begini lah :
- Jelajah malem. jaga pos bayangan sama itok.
- Tidur.
- Pagi adeknya pergi gulung gulung sama om sapa gitu ke atas bukit. aku ketiduran dan gaikut.
- Siang atau pagi (jam 10-11) berangkat ke air terjun. I take the leads with fatih and some other people.

Jaa ne :3

Banyak Yang Terlupakan

   Akhir-akhir ini aku ngerasa banyak banget hal yang aku lupain. Emang aku tambah pikun atau gimana se -..- tapi tetep aja kebiasaan stalkingku gak hilang. Bahkan waktu aku nulis ini aja sambil iseng-iseng stalking banyak orang, buka-buka blognya anak-anak. Random pol. Terus aku menyadari sesuatu, blogku suram amat yah -___- tapi biarlah, gak urus gue.

   Oh ya, balik ke hal-hal yang terlupakan, aku merasa harus bikin catetan dengan rapi deh biar ga lupaan. Tugas-tugas akhirnya pada numpuk di minggu-minggu sebelum UAS gara-gara gak ndang tak kerjain. Dan itu ditambah dengan melancong lomba ke IPB selama 5 hari, termasuk sehari perjalanan di kereta~ Jadi semakin menumpuk aja tugas-tugas pas aku bolod itu. Wes mbolos 5 hari, gak masuk final. Sedih. Gak bisa skating di PVJ sisan waktu ke Bandung. Tambah sedih. Tapi ya gak apa lah pengalaman. Pingin sebenernya nulis tentang pengalaman di IPB. Akan tetapi malesnya.... *guling-guling* jadi inget, ada dua draft entry soal pengalaman LA sama diklat pararela yang gak kelar-kelar dari jaman baheula. Aigoo, pingin ndang diselesein keburu lupa ntar gimana -.- gak ada kenangannya dong. Ya udah sih, cuma pingin ngerandom nulis sesuatu gara-gara tempat ini teramat mirip kuburan, apalagi dengan tema suram gini. Gak tulisan gak backgroundnya suram -.-

Dan btw, kaget banget denger mbak bee baca blog ini. Jadi inget kalo lina pernah stalking sini. Arrrgh, gimana dong, padahal ini tempatku bersenang-senang (?) dengan penuh kegejean.

Seiyuu Ka's Ending

Seiyuu-ka has ended. Chapter 70 is the last chapter. It was my favorite shoujo manga, actually. But why did it have to end like that? Suddenly Hime had become lovely blazer seiyuu and married Senri. But why, why senseeeei? It was like being fast forwarded 32x. Way too fast! I want more of their cute side before they're married! Aaaa, it was too short for me. Well, it's not like I want it to be any of those common soap operas. But come on, Hime even hadn't had her debut as female seiyuu. And the complication with her mother too, it wasn't resolved properly.  And the most important is... Senri didn't explicitly said how he felt towards Hime! Arrgh! Those things are the plot holes in this manga even though the chapters before chapter 70 are great. After all, I think chapter 70 has failed to make an epic ending. It feels like Seiyuu-ka manga has some trouble so it's forced to end. This kind of forced ending is really disappointing for sure.

But still, I'm happy Hime ended up with Senri :3

Random

This is just a random post, actually. Just... what is it? With the things happened lately, I kinda feel like losing trust in other people. Becoming more individualistic, setting some boundaries in the relationships I had with friends, and somehow I felt really flat lately. Nothing. I don't really have someone I trust enough to tell my stories, the stories filled with so many emotions.

When people told me something that's against my principle, I ignored it. When they forced it on me, I might be seemed like I understood it and going to do it. But yeah, I screamed as hard as I can with a shut mouth. Buried it deep down inside. Just shut up, will ya? I know I'm the trouble. I know the problem lies in me. And I'm the one who can solve it. You can't, but you can help. Unfortunately, I don't trust you.

So what? Leave me be for now.

Undangan Atau SBMPTN?

Tiba-tiba pingin nulis sesuatu. Beneran deh, minggu ini termasuk one week of living hell. Ulangan harian beruntun mamen, padahal bukan UH bersama kaya waktu SMP dulu. Senin ada matematika sama jepang, selasa agama, rabu kimia, kamis bahasa inggris, jumat? Gatau deh semoga nggak. Dan hari ini ulangan matematika dibagiin. Demi apa aku salahnya terletak di tanda plus dan minus semua. Demi apa, aku ternyata sangat nggak teliti. Dodol gitu rasanya. Seperti yang dikatakan Gomce, Pak Pur waktu ngoreksi ulangannya anak-anak mbatin be'e yo. Habis rata-rata emang anak-anak gak teliti. Yah, tapi untung ya ini cuma UH. Bukan SBM PTN. Bisa berabe kalo gak telitinya disana. Ya gak?

Anyway, ngomongin SBM PTN, entah kenapa aku kepikiran buat ngambil tes jalur itu aja. Habis jujur aja aku nggak seberapa percaya sama sistem undangan yang sekarang. Kalo menurutku, sistem undangan sekarang itu sistem 'kepercayaan'. Gimana nggak, nilai dimasukin sendiri sama sekolah terus diverifikasi sendiri. Apalagi nanti undangannya dicampur nilai UNAS. Rawan kecurangan. Bukannya mau suudzon sih, tapi ngelihat nasib-nasib tes semacam ini yang banyak didominasi perilaku kotor kaya contekan massal sama joki, ya gimana aku nggak ngeraguin sistem 'kepercayaan' ini? Kalo kaya gini kan bisa aja malah sekolahnya yang curang dengan me-mark-up nilai siswa-siswanya. Kata pemerintah mau meratakan pendidikan untuk jenjang perguruan tinggi pake sistem undangan ini, tapi aku nggak melihat itu bisa meratakan pendidikan. Malah bisa dicurangi kan. Gitu rata ya? Nggak.

Pernah dulu kepikiran buat rajin belajar biar bisa masuk lewat undangan. Tapi itu dulu, sebelum kuota undangan dinaikkan dan hal-hal seputar masuk perguruan tinggi makin diribetin. Dan sekarang undangan dari semester satu? What the hell are you trying to say, man. Grafik nilaiku udah terlanjur berbentuk gunung. Tinggi di semester dua dan hancur di semester satu dan tiga. Karena dulu pikirku undangan dihitung dari semester tiga, aku santai aja di semester tiga. Dijelek-jelekin aja dulu pikirku. Tapi ya bodo banget aku gitu. Harusnya aku nurutin kata mama aja. Belajar yang rajin dari semester satu, jangan dari kelas dua tok. Nyesel kan sekarang. Tapi ya udah, yang udah terjadi terjadilah. Intinya, aku nargetin buat masuk PTN lewat SBMPTN. Yah, oke, aku juga bakal nyoba undangan meski peluangnya kecil. Apa salahnya nyoba? Ga ada kan~

Satu hal yang masih menghantuiku adalah : "Mau kuliah mana? Jurusan apa?"

Is It True?

Is it true? Or is it just my imagination? I feel like she's somehow distancing herself from me. What did I do? I mean, hey, I haven't done something that might hurt her. At first I thought it was just me that thinking too much about it. But when I observed her attitude more, I learned something that hurt me. How she acts toward my friends and how she acts toward me are totally different. She's cold toward me lately. How should I say this. She was once a very close friend to me. But now that her attitude is like this, I'm not really sure what to do. Should I greet her normally and talk like usual? But somehow when I'm trying to start conversation with her, I get that awful and cold vibe like she doesn't want to talk to me. Then in one second when my friends walk in, she talks happily with them. How would you feel if it happens right in front of your eyes?

I want to ask her what's her problem. I want to ask whether it's just me or she does act like that. I want to know why she acts like this. It hurts to be ignored this way. Yet I'm way too afraid. I'm afraid of what she might say. I'm afraid she would distance herself from me even further. I just want us to be back to the way we were.

I don't want to be left in the dark. I mean, it makes me feel so troubled when she acts this way. Isn't there a ray of light, a ray of hope? I want to make up. Oh gosh, this trouble reminds me of the other troubles of mine. Allah, give me that ray of light, that ray of hope. Give me the chance to solve those problems and guide me to the right path. Give me the strength to make sure those chances don't go to waste.

What D said today makes me realize maybe 'that' is the matter. But it scares me even more because I know how serious she is with 'that' matter. I know how miserable she is when 'that' is involved. Now I don't even talk to her. Coward. Yes, I am. Running away from trouble. After all human is such a complicated being.

That Moment

When you feel down and the person you want to talk to the most bitterly rejects you, how would you feel? 

Sad? That's the closest one. But in my case, it's really complex. The sadness was mixed with anger and a heavy mood. And disappointment too. In that crowd, I endured the pain on my left knee and ankle that were hurt. And that pain on my chest when I was bitterly rejected. I wanted to tell that person, sharing stories. He said I should share my story to another since I rarely tell my problems. He said it's not good to keep problems all to myself. So I followed his advice.

I stared at him, wishing that he would come closer since I couldn't come any closer. But I could saw he clearly avoided my eyes. He did not want to look at me. What's more, in that very same day, he was very kind to me. But what now? What kind of attitude is that when I really need you? I restrained my tears from overflowing just because I was in a crowd. And there were my friends next to me.

And those harsh words. That vibe you give was certainly awful, horrible. Since when did I become such a crybaby? Huh, this is... weird. Lately I've been so weak and emotional. Huh, what is this?

Thank you. Really, thanks for everything that you've done.

And one thing, I'm really sorry for certain someone. I just can't cheer on you when I'm like this. Really sorry. Even though it seems you're in worse situation, I could do nothing. But I do wish you would find that real happiness.

Semut Si Kecil Menyebalkan

Makhluk kecil yang sering ngerubungin makanan manis itu entah kenapa kayanya dendam banget sama aku. Masa' aku lagi tidur sore dengan tenang, tiba-tiba mata kananku perih banget kaya keculek. Tapi keculek apa coba? Aku masih nggak nyadar. Spontan aku bangun terus lari ke kamar mandi buat netesin air ke mata. Siapa tau benda yang ngemasukin itu keluar. Dan akhirnya aku nangis saking perihnya. Akhirnya penyebab rasa sakit yang teramat sangat sakit banget sekali *alay, ga efektif* itu keluar dari mataku! Waktu aku ngaca, mataku sudah merah dan bagian bawahnya bengkak. Di bawah bulu mata, ada benda item-merah kecil. Aku tau siapa pelakunya! 

Yeah, these annoying dudes make my right eye swollen.

SEMUT! Demi apa binatang ini masuk ke mata waktu aku lagi tidur. Perih banget. Kalo digigit semut di tangan aja udah gatel gitu, gimana mata coba? Tentunya lebih "fantastic", baby. Demi menahan sakit, aku guling-guling di kasur. Eh, ga ada hubungannya ya? Argh, pokoknys benda kecil ini begitu menyebalkan. Oke, aku emang sering ngusir-ngusir sama nyapuin semut kecil yang warna merah-hitam itu. Tapi... pembalasan dendammu terlalu menyakitkan, mut! Wahai semut bertobatlah sebelum aku membinasakan semua jenismu dari rumahku. Eh, ga boleh bunuh semut ya? 

...

Great.

Btw, karena mata kananku perih banget, akhirnya aku cuma pake mata kiri untuk beberapa saat. Iseng-iseng gaya illuminati peks, hehe. Mulai yang nutupin mata pake tangan sama mbentuk segitiga pake tangan terus liat pake satu mata ngelewatin segitiga itu. Ahahahaha. *stressed* 

Jaa ne. Mata ashita!

After-Effects Reading Shoujo Manga

This article is my mere opinion. I have the rights to speak up my mind, right?
  
Have you ever read shoujo manga? Shoujo manga is japanese comic which addressed to reader group of girls. Mostly, it has romance genre. But not all shoujo manga is about romance. But after reading so many shoujo manga, I've come to realize that the stories is way too good –far from reality. It's too good to happen in our daily life.  Even slice of life genre is a bit too good to happen –but well, I think it's the most realistic genre. Yet, there's also possibilities for that to happen.

Where's the thing about after-effects reading shoujo manga here? Alright, go to the main topic! When I'm reading shoujo manga, it feels like I'm being carried away. I could feel the emotions as the story goes. If the situation is sad, I'll be sad and my heart'll start aching. But if it's funny, I'll certainly laugh like an idiot. But when the story ends or I stop reading, there's certainly something wrong with me. I begin to question everything in my life. How it could be so different with what's on manga. Knowing this is stupid idea to compare the reality and the imagination don't stop me questioning. In the end, I know manga is way too good to happen. And somehow I feel disappointed in a weird way –couldn't put that feeling into words. But why do I keep reading even when I know I'll be strangely disappointed? Dunno.

This is an illustration for chapter cover of Red-Haired Snow White Princess (Akagami no Shirayuki-hime). Kono manga wa suki desu! Zen to Shirayuki wa kawaii deshou. Back to topic, this scene even way too good to happen –of course, you idiot -_-

Alibaba and Aladdin from Magi. Though this isn't shoujo manga, I inserted this to give some refreshments because Alibaba is so damn cool~

Well, I admit reading manga got some positive sides too. It's telling me more information. I get to know many new things from it. And in my case, I'm learning English from online manga I read since English is not my first language. Yet the negative side, maybe it's that you'll start imagining things and when you get back to reality, it hurts. Are~? Is that why I feel strangely disappointed? I thought the other negative side is that once you're addicted to it and cannot control yourself, you'll be in a mess.

The after effects should be depending on what kind of person you are.