That Moment

When you feel down and the person you want to talk to the most bitterly rejects you, how would you feel? 

Sad? That's the closest one. But in my case, it's really complex. The sadness was mixed with anger and a heavy mood. And disappointment too. In that crowd, I endured the pain on my left knee and ankle that were hurt. And that pain on my chest when I was bitterly rejected. I wanted to tell that person, sharing stories. He said I should share my story to another since I rarely tell my problems. He said it's not good to keep problems all to myself. So I followed his advice.

I stared at him, wishing that he would come closer since I couldn't come any closer. But I could saw he clearly avoided my eyes. He did not want to look at me. What's more, in that very same day, he was very kind to me. But what now? What kind of attitude is that when I really need you? I restrained my tears from overflowing just because I was in a crowd. And there were my friends next to me.

And those harsh words. That vibe you give was certainly awful, horrible. Since when did I become such a crybaby? Huh, this is... weird. Lately I've been so weak and emotional. Huh, what is this?

Thank you. Really, thanks for everything that you've done.

And one thing, I'm really sorry for certain someone. I just can't cheer on you when I'm like this. Really sorry. Even though it seems you're in worse situation, I could do nothing. But I do wish you would find that real happiness.

Semut Si Kecil Menyebalkan

Makhluk kecil yang sering ngerubungin makanan manis itu entah kenapa kayanya dendam banget sama aku. Masa' aku lagi tidur sore dengan tenang, tiba-tiba mata kananku perih banget kaya keculek. Tapi keculek apa coba? Aku masih nggak nyadar. Spontan aku bangun terus lari ke kamar mandi buat netesin air ke mata. Siapa tau benda yang ngemasukin itu keluar. Dan akhirnya aku nangis saking perihnya. Akhirnya penyebab rasa sakit yang teramat sangat sakit banget sekali *alay, ga efektif* itu keluar dari mataku! Waktu aku ngaca, mataku sudah merah dan bagian bawahnya bengkak. Di bawah bulu mata, ada benda item-merah kecil. Aku tau siapa pelakunya! 

Yeah, these annoying dudes make my right eye swollen.

SEMUT! Demi apa binatang ini masuk ke mata waktu aku lagi tidur. Perih banget. Kalo digigit semut di tangan aja udah gatel gitu, gimana mata coba? Tentunya lebih "fantastic", baby. Demi menahan sakit, aku guling-guling di kasur. Eh, ga ada hubungannya ya? Argh, pokoknys benda kecil ini begitu menyebalkan. Oke, aku emang sering ngusir-ngusir sama nyapuin semut kecil yang warna merah-hitam itu. Tapi... pembalasan dendammu terlalu menyakitkan, mut! Wahai semut bertobatlah sebelum aku membinasakan semua jenismu dari rumahku. Eh, ga boleh bunuh semut ya? 

...

Great.

Btw, karena mata kananku perih banget, akhirnya aku cuma pake mata kiri untuk beberapa saat. Iseng-iseng gaya illuminati peks, hehe. Mulai yang nutupin mata pake tangan sama mbentuk segitiga pake tangan terus liat pake satu mata ngelewatin segitiga itu. Ahahahaha. *stressed* 

Jaa ne. Mata ashita!

After-Effects Reading Shoujo Manga

This article is my mere opinion. I have the rights to speak up my mind, right?
  
Have you ever read shoujo manga? Shoujo manga is japanese comic which addressed to reader group of girls. Mostly, it has romance genre. But not all shoujo manga is about romance. But after reading so many shoujo manga, I've come to realize that the stories is way too good –far from reality. It's too good to happen in our daily life.  Even slice of life genre is a bit too good to happen –but well, I think it's the most realistic genre. Yet, there's also possibilities for that to happen.

Where's the thing about after-effects reading shoujo manga here? Alright, go to the main topic! When I'm reading shoujo manga, it feels like I'm being carried away. I could feel the emotions as the story goes. If the situation is sad, I'll be sad and my heart'll start aching. But if it's funny, I'll certainly laugh like an idiot. But when the story ends or I stop reading, there's certainly something wrong with me. I begin to question everything in my life. How it could be so different with what's on manga. Knowing this is stupid idea to compare the reality and the imagination don't stop me questioning. In the end, I know manga is way too good to happen. And somehow I feel disappointed in a weird way –couldn't put that feeling into words. But why do I keep reading even when I know I'll be strangely disappointed? Dunno.

This is an illustration for chapter cover of Red-Haired Snow White Princess (Akagami no Shirayuki-hime). Kono manga wa suki desu! Zen to Shirayuki wa kawaii deshou. Back to topic, this scene even way too good to happen –of course, you idiot -_-

Alibaba and Aladdin from Magi. Though this isn't shoujo manga, I inserted this to give some refreshments because Alibaba is so damn cool~

Well, I admit reading manga got some positive sides too. It's telling me more information. I get to know many new things from it. And in my case, I'm learning English from online manga I read since English is not my first language. Yet the negative side, maybe it's that you'll start imagining things and when you get back to reality, it hurts. Are~? Is that why I feel strangely disappointed? I thought the other negative side is that once you're addicted to it and cannot control yourself, you'll be in a mess.

The after effects should be depending on what kind of person you are. 

Determination

Regrets always come in the end. Well, I must admit it's always true. I regret what I've done until my grade have to suffer like this. So many retake tests after final examinations. I admitted this is my own fault for not studying. But this is the worst on my middle and high school. I've never get these many retakes. I'm really down because of this. But what could I do now? Just depressed over something like this and doing nothing? DEFINITELY NO!

I refuse to be depressed over my bad grades. Alright, it's my own fault. This is what I deserve for my own actions. But I've got to carry my responsibilities. Okay, now, thinking about payback on next semester and my own goal won't change many things. I've gotta make a real action, not just all talk. I'M GONNA MAKE SURE I PAY IT BACK! WITH INTEREST!

"I can talk the talk, but I can't walk the walk". Enough with that motto and I better change myself! This entry should make me remember about what I should do. DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND DREAM SOMETHING GOOD IF YOU WISH IT TO COME TRUE! Work it out, make it happen.

Sincerely, me.

Worn Out As Hell

   Last week, we had a platinum week –or so I say because it was a four days holiday! If golden week means three days is holiday, then four days will be platinum week. Okay, never mind those nonsense. Something's wrong with my brain to begin with. Even though I've been waiting for platinum week, I didn't get a chance to express myself freely due to some family matters and LA (Latihan Alam). I won't write much about LA in this posting because I think it deserved a better entry –since this one written when I'm really tired, almost crazy, craving for sleep.

I'm craving for sleep so bad

   Because of LA, now I'm worn out as hell. My legs feel so tired. Even my right ankle was twisted twice or three times. And the side-effect has just come! Aw man, it's not comfortable  for me, but I should admit that LA WAS VERY FANTASTIC AND EXCITING FOR ME. I'm really happy, overjoyed, excited, yet worn out as hell –like what I've said before. Oyasuminasai~ Bye (-..-)/

Bittersweet Sixteen

Ever since I was a kid, my parents had been busy with their own matters. They didn't have a lot of time for me. They didn’t pay much attention to me. Well, they cared about me, but not that much. They did look after me, but not like how they spent so much effort in looking after my little sister. When it comes to my little sister, they will try to loosen up a bit –giving their affections, kindness and the precious time. By thinking this way, I made myself looked like I’m jealous of her. That’s not exactly true –only a bit, I guess. Hey, I’m talking the truth from my childish point of view.

Every year on the day I was born, I’d always get their warm ‘Happy Birthday’ greetings in the morning. I’d always smile happily and hug them back. When I turned sixteen, I still expected such childish thing to happen. I believed they wouldn’t forget it. In the morning, I wake up and nothing happened. They were still asleep. I thought maybe they would say it later. When I was about to leave home for school, I thought they would say it. Nothing happened –I guess later. When I got home, I thought they would definitely say it and apologize. But nothing happened. Instead of my childish expectation, my mom got a bit mad at me. That time, I gave up on my hope. They wouldn’t remember.

Feeling empty, I remembered that one of my best friends didn't say ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. It made me felt down and broke my spirit. “He didn't remember. Oh well, why would he remember if my family didn’t even do?” that sentences came across my mind and made me pretty messed up. “What a childish way of thinking.”

At night, someone texted me and told me to open deviantart. I never expected him to draw something for me, especially for my birthday. And his drawing got something to do with our conversation on school. I did not know why that drawing became so special. So I told him that I was very happy because he did remember. Besides, I told him about my parents. He listened to everything I said, everything I had on my mind until I felt relieved. Just by talking about it, I got better. I thought it's time to grow up and being mature.

What I want to say is: “Your inner self have to grow up, because time would not stop moving. But, growing up doesn't mean you won't need your parents.”