Saturday, February 23, 2013

Random

This is just a random post, actually. Just... what is it? With the things happened lately, I kinda feel like losing trust in other people. Becoming more individualistic, setting some boundaries in the relationships I had with friends, and somehow I felt really flat lately. Nothing. I don't really have someone I trust enough to tell my stories, the stories filled with so many emotions.

When people told me something that's against my principle, I ignored it. When they forced it on me, I might be seemed like I understood it and going to do it. But yeah, I screamed as hard as I can with a shut mouth. Buried it deep down inside. Just shut up, will ya? I know I'm the trouble. I know the problem lies in me. And I'm the one who can solve it. You can't, but you can help. Unfortunately, I don't trust you.

So what? Leave me be for now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Undangan Atau SBMPTN?

Tiba-tiba pingin nulis sesuatu. Beneran deh, minggu ini termasuk one week of living hell. Ulangan harian beruntun mamen, padahal bukan UH bersama kaya waktu SMP dulu. Senin ada matematika sama jepang, selasa agama, rabu kimia, kamis bahasa inggris, jumat? Gatau deh semoga nggak. Dan hari ini ulangan matematika dibagiin. Demi apa aku salahnya terletak di tanda plus dan minus semua. Demi apa, aku ternyata sangat nggak teliti. Dodol gitu rasanya. Seperti yang dikatakan Gomce, Pak Pur waktu ngoreksi ulangannya anak-anak mbatin be'e yo. Habis rata-rata emang anak-anak gak teliti. Yah, tapi untung ya ini cuma UH. Bukan SBM PTN. Bisa berabe kalo gak telitinya disana. Ya gak?

Anyway, ngomongin SBM PTN, entah kenapa aku kepikiran buat ngambil tes jalur itu aja. Habis jujur aja aku nggak seberapa percaya sama sistem undangan yang sekarang. Kalo menurutku, sistem undangan sekarang itu sistem 'kepercayaan'. Gimana nggak, nilai dimasukin sendiri sama sekolah terus diverifikasi sendiri. Apalagi nanti undangannya dicampur nilai UNAS. Rawan kecurangan. Bukannya mau suudzon sih, tapi ngelihat nasib-nasib tes semacam ini yang banyak didominasi perilaku kotor kaya contekan massal sama joki, ya gimana aku nggak ngeraguin sistem 'kepercayaan' ini? Kalo kaya gini kan bisa aja malah sekolahnya yang curang dengan me-mark-up nilai siswa-siswanya. Kata pemerintah mau meratakan pendidikan untuk jenjang perguruan tinggi pake sistem undangan ini, tapi aku nggak melihat itu bisa meratakan pendidikan. Malah bisa dicurangi kan. Gitu rata ya? Nggak.

Pernah dulu kepikiran buat rajin belajar biar bisa masuk lewat undangan. Tapi itu dulu, sebelum kuota undangan dinaikkan dan hal-hal seputar masuk perguruan tinggi makin diribetin. Dan sekarang undangan dari semester satu? What the hell are you trying to say, man. Grafik nilaiku udah terlanjur berbentuk gunung. Tinggi di semester dua dan hancur di semester satu dan tiga. Karena dulu pikirku undangan dihitung dari semester tiga, aku santai aja di semester tiga. Dijelek-jelekin aja dulu pikirku. Tapi ya bodo banget aku gitu. Harusnya aku nurutin kata mama aja. Belajar yang rajin dari semester satu, jangan dari kelas dua tok. Nyesel kan sekarang. Tapi ya udah, yang udah terjadi terjadilah. Intinya, aku nargetin buat masuk PTN lewat SBMPTN. Yah, oke, aku juga bakal nyoba undangan meski peluangnya kecil. Apa salahnya nyoba? Ga ada kan~



Satu hal yang masih menghantuiku adalah : "Mau kuliah mana? Jurusan apa?"

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Is It True?

Is it true? Or is it just my imagination? I feel like she's somehow distancing herself from me. What did I do? I mean, hey, I haven't done something that might hurt her. At first I thought it was just me that thinking too much about it. But when I observed her attitude more, I learned something that hurt me. How she acts toward my friends and how she acts toward me are totally different. She's cold toward me lately. How should I say this. She was once a very close friend to me. But now that her attitude is like this, I'm not really sure what to do. Should I greet her normally and talk like usual? But somehow when I'm trying to start conversation with her, I get that awful and cold vibe like she doesn't want to talk to me. Then in one second when my friends walk in, she talks happily with them. How would you feel if it happens right in front of your eyes?

I want to ask her what's her problem. I want to ask whether it's just me or she does act like that. I want to know why she acts like this. It hurts to be ignored this way. Yet I'm way too afraid. I'm afraid of what she might say. I'm afraid she would distance herself from me even further. I just want us to be back to the way we were.



I don't want to be left in the dark. I mean, it makes me feel so troubled when she acts this way. Isn't there a ray of light, a ray of hope? I want to make up. Oh gosh, this trouble reminds me of the other troubles of mine. Allah, give me that ray of light, that ray of hope. Give me the chance to solve those problems and guide me to the right path. Give me the strength to make sure those chances don't go to waste.


What D said today makes me realize maybe 'that' is the matter. But it scares me even more because I know how serious she is with 'that' matter. I know how miserable she is when 'that' is involved. Now I don't even talk to her. Coward. Yes, I am. Running away from trouble. After all human is such a complicated being.